Anger Sits on Two Legs

Just about every teenager brought into counseling is angry. Most programs for them are based on Behavior Modification, that is, getting the teenager to not express his/her anger in a hurtful way. While I have been trained in this modality, I found that it was not all that helpful for teenagers, especially given their impulsivity. What I found to be more helpful was to look at the two legs upon which anger sits.

These two legs that support anger are Hurt and Fear. And the anger teens have has been there a long time. We were born with the innate ability to express anger, and that can be seen in babies and toddlers. Anger, in and of itself, is a symptom that says "something is wrong." Finding that is the key to healing and long-lasting behavior change.

If we look at the first leg, Hurt, we find that teenagers and others can recall an impressively long list of ways they have been hurt. Many of the items on this kind of list are relatively common. For example, being called names by parents or other authoritative family members. Another is being teased by siblings and kids at school. Abandonment is a big issue, whether the teen recognizes it or not. On the other hand, some of the lists have truly unique entries.

In the case of divorce, the child feels abandoned by the parent who left. The intensity of these feelings seems to increase if it is the Mother who has left the home. Children who are taken from their parents and placed in foster care also have this sense of abandonment and loss. These are very deep hurts, and hard to overcome. While the child may feel angry and at first act out on those feelings, he or she is quickly exhorted to "behave." They are denied the freedom to express their anger and so push it down inside where it sits without resolution.

Other types of hurt, where a child feels helpless to react are being physically or sexually abused. There may be constant criticism and degradation. Perhaps comparison to a sibling or friend that is harmful. They also are hurt when a parent abuses the other parent, but again are not allowed to express themselves adequately and given a place to talk it out. It is easy for a child to adopt a non-rational concept that he/she is worthless, a burden to the parent or family, "not good enough."

A child who does not do well in school often feels "stupid" and is humiliated when he or she cannot read as well as others, leading to a defensive attitude. Or perhaps the child becomes the focus of a bully and is frequently taunted and attacked by a peer(s). The child who is sent to school with dirty and torn clothing, or without a coat in the winter, or without a bath or shower can quickly become ostracized by peers, the object of scorn. This pain remains for years even though the situation improves, and impacts the teenagers ability to socialize in a normal manner.

The other leg underlying anger is Fear. Fear has many labels, but for our purpose here, anxiety is the most common experience for teenagers. Anxiety and Depression are well know to have a direct correlation. And teenagers who are anxious will often express that anxiety with anger. Both anger and anxiety involve adrenaline which is one physiological expression of either one.

Anxiety is a physiological response to a perceived threat to the integrity of the organism. Please note "perceived threat." The threat does not have to be real or immediate, it is only a presupposition that "something bad is going to happen." It really boils down to that. "What if... runs through the thoughts of the person suffering the anxiety as the "something bad" is anticipated. Interestingly enough, there is usually a time and place when something bad did happen, either experienced or observed.

For children, something bad may not necessarily be something bad to an adult. At least not to the same level of threat. A teenager who has "gotten into trouble" will anticipate being in trouble again, or failing again, or not being approved of by a parent again and this leads to anxiety. The anticipation fueled by "what if..." In our world today anxiety in a teenager can be brought on by "so-so" grades rather than good grades, because it has a direct impact on being accepted into a good college or university. Playing with "what if" and the need to excel creates anxiety which is frequently expressed with anger, especially at home.

Given these two legs upon which anger sits, Hurt and Fear/Anxiety, it is a wonder that more teenagers do not overtly express anger. But then, they do not always recognize what is motivating their feelings and behavior. It is up to the adults around them to gently guide them through the process of self-discovery, teaching them to analyze their behaviors, and to get past the underlying issues.

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