Sibling Fighting

by Maureen Amberg

As promised, here are my opinions on Sibling Fighting and how to deal with it.

SIBLING FIGHTING

Jealousy between siblings, while normal, is a powerful and real emotion. Certainly, you cannot talk an older child out of feeling jealous of a new baby and there really is no reason for him to love that new baby who he considers an intrusion and disruption in his life. However, if you ask for help with the care of the baby, understanding the older child's point of view, that may be selfish and emotional, in time, the relationship may grow very close and loving. But at the start the new baby is at best a novelty, at worst, an interloper and enemy.

Jealousy of the baby is strongest in a child under five years, because he is more dependent on his parents and does not yet have many outside interests. A grandparent can be most helpful at this point.

By six or more, he is coming into his own and focusing on school and friends, and maybe even sports. He is building a position for himself in the real world.

Do not compare your children.  If one child is jealous of a sibling's achievements and abilities, parents should acknowledge their child's feelings and encourage them to discover unique talents of their own.  Some parents dismiss hurt feelings, or focus too much attention on the smarter or more successful kids.

Teasing is the 2nd issue.  Often this consists of provoking a fight, annoying each other, shouting, poking and so forth.  Younger children often resort to name calling.  The fact is that teasing is a powerful way to get an emotional response from someone.  Some siblings seem to tease each other mercilessly.

Teasing often defines a social group...who's a member and who isn't.  Remember that teasing can be about anything.  Kids who feel good about themselves and who work on having a good sense of humor have an easier time than kids who let the teasing "get to them"

Bill Cosby recommends repeating the word "so" in response to teasing.  Drives the teaser crazy!

My advice for you to give your child, is to stop, ignore the remark, take a few deep breaths, don't get mad, and WALK AWAY.  Teasing can hurt, but the trick is to keep one's cool.  This will work on family members as well as outsiders.

Often times, the children may seek an ally in their parents.  "Tattling" is popular in families.  Naturally, parents try and remain neutral, and encourage the children to work out their differences.  However, there are times when parents may need to step in and intervene.  This includes situations that have escalated to physical violence.

Sibling means a brother or sister.  Rivalry means COMPETITION.  Developing a healthy competitive nature is part of growing up. 

Brothers and sisters borrow each others stuff, and don't always return it in good condition.  Younger kids feel like their older brothers and sisters get to do whatever they want.  Older kids think that the youngest in the family is pampered  Does this sound familiar?  Throughout history this type of behavior has been considered normal and typical.  However, in my opinion, too much competition can make for an unhappy home life.

Parental Attention:  Spending equal time with children can lessen rivalry.  You have no idea how important this is!  Children are smart.  Hide your favoritism!

• Read to your kids.  Have them read to you.
• Take hikes or walks
• Go to the beach
• Take a picnic to a park
• Attend your kids sporting events/plays/recitals, etc
• Talk to them
• BE there for them ~ All Ways!

Yes, Take a Deep Breath and Think how best to help your kids be the best they can be.  Give them the self confidence and positive self esteem to grow up happily.

Fairness.  Favoritism is the root of much sibling rivalry. In reality, life is not fair, but you can sure work on teaching your children to attempt to be fair in all their endeavors.

Tie or duct tape them together!  That is meant as a joke, but it would keep them safe and non-fighting.

Listen.  Of all the advice I could ever give you, it would be to truly listen to what your children have to say. Listen to the little and big things in their lives.  Begin early so that the lines of communication will still be open during the teenage, AND adult years. Listen to each one individually....and be silent while they are talking. Stop what you are doing and look at your child!

In another Post, I will talk about Getting Support, Love unconditionally, Practice kindness and Ground rules.

Always caring for kids,

Maureen
http://KidsEdgeOnSelfEsteem